Recently, there has been much discussion online about whether to change oneself or accept oneself. Here, I’d like to share my thoughts on this matter. Changing oneself and accepting oneself are not mutually exclusive choices. The balance between the two can help you achieve better results in personal growth and mental health. If we need to establish an order, I believe it should be to first accept oneself and, based on that acceptance, work on changing and improving oneself.
Acceptance of oneself is the foundation for change. Aristotle once said, “Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.” Accepting oneself is a deep form of self-recognition. It involves acknowledging both one's strengths and weaknesses and embracing one's true situation. In Buddhism, the concept of "seeing things as they are" (yathābhūtañāṇadassana) is emphasized as the first step in spiritual practice. Only when we can sincerely face ourselves can we begin to make genuine changes.
Psychologist Carl Rogers introduced the concept of "unconditional positive regard," which is a complete acceptance of oneself. He believed that individuals can only explore and change themselves when they feel wholly accepted. This aligns with the idea of self-acceptance: when we fully accept ourselves and no longer feel ashamed or guilty about our shortcomings, we can face the challenges of change with a more positive mindset.
Accepting oneself does not mean stagnation. On the contrary, it is a positive force that drives us toward betterment. Confucius said, “The one who knows it is not as good as the one who loves it, and the one who loves it is not as good as the one who takes joy in it.” This suggests that true change comes from an inner love and pursuit rather than external pressure and compulsion. When we accept ourselves and understand our needs and goals, we can find genuine motivation to make effective changes.
Stoic philosopher Epictetus also emphasized the importance of self-control. He believed that what we can control is our mindset and behavior, not external circumstances. Therefore, we should focus on changing the aspects we can control and accept the things we cannot change. This wise attitude helps us find balance between change and acceptance.
Changing oneself and accepting oneself are two complementary processes. On the foundation of self-acceptance, we can truly understand our needs and goals, thereby making effective changes. This balanced wisdom can help us achieve better results in personal growth and mental health. As Socrates said, "The unexamined life is not worth living." Let us reflect in acceptance and grow in change, moving towards a better life.